Feeling Guilty

It's now 10:41 p.m. Central Time, and I'm just getting settled in for the night. My kids were alseep when I got home, and once again I feel like I missed the party. We did get to eat dinner together tonight and I had my meeting with Young Pog without a hitch.

But duty called and my job kept me away from home until after 10:00. After a 15-hour day, we wrapped up the last Middle School game for the night and I was dog tired. On my way out of the gym I pick up a basketball and think, "I'm gonna put up a few shots before I leave." As I pick up the ball, the scrawniest, worst player on our 5th and 6th grade team walks up and asks for the ball and I feel like vomiting all over the place. The last thing I want to do is watch this kid shoot some more after watching him run around in circles for the past hour. I give him the ball and watch him shoot a few terrible set shots, then something changes.

I start telling him to keep his elbow in tight and to bend his knees. Before I know it, I have him doing form shooting and I'm challenging him to make one perfect shot with one hand, knees bent, following through with his hand in the cookie jar. At this point it's just us in the gym, and his parents are off in the corner just happy to see somebody working with their son. I block them out and focus in on this kid's shot. For the moment I'm locked in, feeling like I'm doing what I was born to do. After about 5 minutes of floundering and adjusting, he does it. He bends his knees with his elbow under the ball and drops one--all net. Perfect. Before I know it I'm clapping, yelling and high-fiving with this kid at 9:30 pm because he made a wide open, uncontested shot. His face lights up and for the first time I see a glimmer of confidence in his eye.

It's a look that I love to see. I feed on that look. I leave the gym on a natural high that reminds me of why I do this job, and why I will probably work with kids in one way or another for the rest of my life.

But I also feel a twinge of guilt. I feel guilty for spending so much time showing other people's children how to do things. While I spend a considerable amount of time teaching my own kids, I feel like it's never enough. Tonight is one of those nights when the self-doubt creeps in. I think it happens to all parents at one time or another, but tonight is my night. I don't always think of it as a bad thing, because it motivates me to do more. The guilt gives me energy when there's nothing left.